What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:03
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Especially a lifetime of it.
How old is planet Earth? Is it 4.5 billion years old or 6,000 years old?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
How do you get a girl to like you?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I was very sick at this time too.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
What are some fun/kinky things to do with your partner?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
She married twice! .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My family never makes their pension either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Put me off passion for life!!
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I waited trembling.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When she asked me how she looked .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She found it foreign!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I will be 64.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.